Endless dreams you've given me
by Winds of serenity
Summary: Sequel to 'You once asked if I would die for you' . Reality escapes her troubled heart, the uncertainties are too many...and now she finds herself back. Now she can't help but wonder...is it for the better or will it destroy her further than being apart d


Endless Dreams you've given me

By Winds of Serenity

Author's Notes:

Sorry for the (incredibly long) delay on getting this out. I didn't really know what exactly I wanted to write, and I didn't want to write just anything. I hope that you like what you read and that it meets your expectations. I'd really appreciate some reviews if you like it. I also wanted to thank all the people that reviewed 'You once asked if I would die for you', your encouragement really helped in getting this out as soon as was possible and I'm grateful to all of you for your uplifting reviews. 

As for the other Sailor Moon story, I don't think I will do a sequel for it because I've lost interest in it and everything I've come up with is either too far-stretched or incredibly common and over-used.

Now, on to the story!

Disclaimer: Escaflowne is not mine, but the storyline is so please don't steal it.

Rating: PG-13...I think.

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I'm in my room, again, looking out at the stars for a planet I once visited. I'm searching for the place which holds my life and happiness, the place where you live. I'm searching for a place that brought me more misery than it did happiness. 

What am I supposed to say? That I loved every second I spent with you, even while blood stained your sword and hands? That Gaea was a place filled with wonders and miracles? A magical place with dragons and animal-people? And Draconians? Should I lie to myself and be deluded into thinking that everything was all right just because you, one person in a whole planet, were there? 

Should I not?

I don't know how much I've changed since then but I know that I am not the same person I was before. Before I hadn't seen blood, I hadn't seen the dead, I hadn't experienced war and its losses. I hadn't been in love. I can't say the change is something I wish that hadn't happened and I can't decide whether I curse the day I met you or bless it. I don't know if that small, almost insignificant fraction of time was worth it or if I would have been better off without the pain that followed. I felt like nothing made sense and I barely hung on to the few things that seemed to be unchanging, the few things that felt secure. And yet still, out of everything, one and only one thing remained without fail. 

Longing.

It was a painful longing, something that I would wake up with and suffer for the rest of the day every day. I felt it wherever I was, whatever I was doing. Often I saw another's happiness, a merry spark of life, but my soul was too cold with loss to be able to feel my own. On some nights my heart sought memories from my mind and my dreams were filled with unfelt touches and whispers of love that were never heard, playing with me till I thought I would go insane. Your hand was always a whisper away from mine, but when I reached for it, it always disappeared and I was left with nothing. Your lips were so close I might imagine the breath I should feel, and as I kiss you I kiss empty air while a fading memory lingers. 

And as always I wake up, and feel the endless tears that torture me at night running down my cheeks. I think I see you but I don't, I think I smell your scent and then I remember that I have already forgotten it. I cry in frustration, angry at myself for not remembering and anguished because you are not there to remind me. I had no one now, not since you let me go and I left. Who could possibly be friends with someone whose thoughts were never there? What mother can withstand the pain of loving a daughter who did not, could not, love you back or acknowledge your presence without breaking? Who would understand that a boy whose voice brushes past my ears while I hear nothing still holds my heart and one reason for living? 

Everyone else...they never made sense. They were joyful even when their own lovers turned their backs on them. I didn't understand them, I still don't. In return, they didn't understand me. I think they feared me, when in truth, I was terrified of them and their joy. I should feel it, but I don't, and everyone used to tell me how wrong that was. They made me feel so insecure and out of place...

Where did I belong? With the people I didn't understand and made me feel out of place or in the world where I was a stranger and the only one from the Illusionary Moon? 

I wished for your presence yet I feared you would once again refuse me and my love. I thought endlessly of nothing but to feel your touch and yet feared that should I meet you, you would strike me in anger and disgust, such was my dread of your reaction. Even though I spent eternity trying to get through each day, my emotions were always in turmoil and my heart never stopped feeling like that, maybe even...hoping. I knew that if I was once again the centre of your hate, the one that stands behind your angry fist, I would die once again. I would take each strike and wish it be the last thing I ever feel, wish it to bring forth my end. Without you...god, when did I loose so much? When did I become so completely dependant on you and your love?

I contemplated my life, what was left of it, and my memories, vague and beautiful times almost forgotten, for the millionth time as I lay on my cold bed. Really, did I ever think of anything else? Cliche as it is, you are the other part of me, the one that makes me complete. We are one. At the same time I am almost certain that you have moved on and forgotten about the girl from the Mystic Moon. 

So then...

Did I have an explanation for what was happening? Did I know why it was happening, how it could happen? No. I didn't. I had no idea why a sudden pain exploded in my chest, bringing me down to my knees. I gasped and opened my mouth in silent pain. I felt a fire burn as it surrounded my heart, mixed with the iciness that had taken it over. Black spots danced in front of my eyes and even so, I saw it. And when I did, I didn't know whether to laugh in joy (or would that be insanity?), scream in fear, or curse in anger and helplessness.

The light, the blue light that I had cursed and blessed at the same time appeared, the burning particles scorching my skin though not nearly as bad as the that time. My chest pulsed with waves of pain and I could only hold it tightly while I foolishly tried to stop my tears from flowing and my cries of pain from escaping my numb lips. The familiar feeling I had felt when forced to have those horrible visions came back to me, though none came. I understood, though. I knew I did, it was at the far corners of my mind, but the reason could not be put into coherent thought. My body felt like it was being pulled in all directions at once, there was no air to breathe, and there was an empty darkness inside the light.

A darkness inside the light...

But then it stopped. I was standing on both my feet, though for some reason they stung as though cut, trying to stay upright. The pain in my chest had dulled, becoming a threatening whisper of pain. Slowly I opened my eyes, wondering when I had closed them. There were still dark spots swimming around in my vision so I closed them and willed my breathing to stop sounding so forced. There was a heavy feeling in the air, and a lingering smell of something I could almost recognise. Briefly, I wondered if I was unconscious, because this had the same twisted feeling that plagued my slumber, empty but so thick with dark emotions...

I don't know when, but I became aware that there was another presence in the room, if that is what it was. The presence was like the ghost of a memory, intertwined somehow with the sweet smell surrounding me. I slowly opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was blood. There were shards of red under my feet, cutting into it with small, teasing cuts which were plentiful enough to cause the blood to flow at an almost, but not quite, alarming rate.

I looked around me and felt my heart give a painful twist.

Fate. God, I hate fate. I hate it with every single part of my being. I hate the way it can use me so easily, the way it can get a reaction from my battered heart with so much ease. I hate feeling so helpless, feeling so used and unable to stop my feelings from becoming my enemy. Damn it all to hell... 

I felt helplessly withdrawn into a whirlpool of hate, of numbness and pain. I could feel my very soul cry out, I could feel my heart die once more, and yet I wished for it. I wished for it even as I tried to escape it. I have no hope and yet, if not hope, what is it that my heart clings to through all of this time? Faint words now whisper in my mind, a whispered 'I love you' tortures me as a nauseous feeling grips me, the one phrase keeps playing over and over in my mind, some sort of sick echo that makes me unable to think straight...

But I've never been able to have the 'easy' way out. No, consciousness still hangs on, and I am forced to take in what my eyes see. Neither of us had moved, I don't think neither of us _could_. I cannot see those eyes...they are hidden under pitch-black bangs. I want to reach out but I am sure that you will dissolve in front of me once again, even though now your frame is so much more cleared than I ever remember it being. But then, then you look up and I feel my soul soar as I finally see your eyes, those beautiful, beautiful orbs of mystery...my soul soars then crashes down and I feel the sting of tears behind my eyes at the horrible emptiness in yours.

I caused that. I made him loose the merry light in his eyes...? Did I ruin both our lives...and for what? What for? Why? Why so much...

I close my eyes, trying to make sense of...everything...everything has gone wrong since then, everything seems to be against me...just...everything...

I can't make sense of anything, I can't find the reason, the logic...I can't find the sanity of it all. Am I insane? Is this what it feels like? What _do _I feel? What...is it? Van...what's wrong with me...

I swallow and open my eyes, trying to make sense of what I see once more, trying to find a solid fact, something to hold on to...just, anything, anything at all. 

Under me...that glass...the pendant lay shattered on the floor under my feet, the many sharp pieces digging into my skin to add a darker shade of red to the pieces of glass. The pendant...how can it cut me so much when it was so small? I don't know where I am...There's a desk, books, papers...and...

I can't hold on...you're _here_...this time I don't have to imagine...your eyes

I remember now

I can see your eyes, they're a dark shade of crimson, dark, like the blood under my feet. Your smell, it surrounds me like in my nightmares, but I can recognise it. It's You.

It's you, it _is _you...

Why don't I believe it?

You're here, looking at me...yet, why don't I believe it?

Why?!

I can't hold on, you're here but where were you then? Why weren't you there? Please...I can't take it...I feel...used, I feel betrayed...but wasn't I the one who betrayed you? My eyes are burning, I can't understand, what am I feeling? I was supposed to be happy to see you...or was I?...

I just feel nothing...or maybe...

I feel like I'm walking a thin line and I'm about to fall and no one cares. Everything feels _wrong_, nothing makes sense, and I feel so hurt, so betrayed...

I can't help it, tears fall out of my eyes and I try to stop them but I can't. Reaching up I brush them away almost hysterically and try so hard to stop but I can't and I start to sob, but I don't know _why!_

I fall to my knees and cry, not caring you are there to see me do so, yet still trying to hide my tears. I can't stop sobbing...I really can't stop, it just doesn't make sense and it hurts...

It hurts...

I hear something, a soft whisper, so I look up at you and you looked back. Your eyes were unwavering, intense as they look at me. I'm tired, and I feel my body slowly relaxing, numb with cold. 

For a moment that felt like an eternity cut short you just stared, a flicker of guilt flashing through your eyes, sudden and unexplainable. Then, moving slowly as though you had to wade through water, you walked up to me and gently lifted me into your arms then turned away from the shattered necklace. 

I did not feel your touch, your arms around me were simply not there, and a shattering darkness consumed me. You carried me away, and I just lay there...

broken.

~~~~~~~~~~

I slowly open my eyes, my brain fogged with sleep and my heart a heavy thing of led. Unfamiliar surroundings greet my wary eyes, a soft material covers my body. I move slightly and hear the soft swishing sound the material makes. Shaking my head I sit up.

I feel strangely detached, and the feeling is somehow...welcome. I remember crying, my tears, eternal and seeming like such a trivial thing, showing nothing of my pain. But it was the only way I had, the only way I could know that I was still there, my tears...

If I hadn't cried, I don't think I would have believed I was really in my body, because as petty as they are they are the only way I could show I was hurting, my tears and my cries. Still, they were never enough. They are _never _enough. I hurt so much more than tears could ever show, and still...it was comforting to know I could cry. Now, for some reason, I don't think I have even that...I don't think I can cry...

I thought I wanted no tears, no insignificant shows that did not fully show my pain...

But to not be able to cry...

I slowly bring one hand up and strum the air with my fingers, staring at the motion with an eerie, calm detachment. I let my hand fall softly to the covers, making a soft swishing sound, and look around. I am in a room, filled with expensive items, filled with pleasant smells and carefully crafted desks of fine wood and rich worthlessness...

I get up, moving mechanically, and walk over to the nearest window. I lay my hands on the windowsill, staring at the pale smooth skin and the rough grey rock. There is nothing that catches my attention, there is no present turmoil in my heart, just a numbing feeling that is horrible in its effectiveness to deny me the ability to feel, to hurt and feel confused, angry, helpless...

Not long ago I couldn't live without feeling overrun with emotions. Now I hardly feel a thing.

The door to the room opens, and I hear someone enter. There is a soft gasp from the person, then silence. It is deafening in its loudness, an unwelcome partner I have known my whole life. Even before...

I turn my head slowly, feeling nothing as I recognize the face of the person in front of me. Her blue eyes widen when she sees my own, and instantly she is nervous. She looks off to the side, trying to avoid looking into my eyes again, her muscles tense as though she wished to run off unexpectedly.

Wordlessly, she holds out a dress, a long emerald thing that is supposed to look attractive in its complexity, and she seems to expect me to take it. I don't.

She glances at my face for a split second, then hesitantly lays the dress down on a chair. Changing her mind she picks it up, then sits on the chair and puts the dress elsewhere. I don't sit down though I could, having long forgotten how to have a conversation, and not feeling as though we could talk at all. She wouldn't understand me, and I don't comprehend her. 

"I trust you slept well..."

I nod dazedly, watching Merle shift uncomfortably in front of me. Her eyes dart around the room, trying to find something to do, something to give her an excuse to leave. I look out the window of the room, at the sky, the moons...and search for something beyond them.

Vaguely, I realise I am talking to her. Then I realize I have no idea what I've just said.

She snaps her attention back on me, startled. I don't look at her directly, but I can see her wide-eyed gaze from the corner of my eyes. She shifts again and opens her mouth as though to say something, then shuts it. Finally she mumbles something and quickly glances at the door.

She falls silent and sits still though her eyes still roam the room looking for an escape. I finally turn to her and look at her straight in the eyes, my gaze sullen and empty. She cringes, lowering her head as she tries to avoid my gaze, then suddenly stands so fast her chair topples over.

"Sorry...I just have to go...see Lord Van..."

She hurriedly rights the chair, then risks a glance in my direction before stumbling over to the door, my unblinking gaze never straying from her retreating back. She turns once she gets to the door, her hand clutching the handle impatiently, her head bowed.

"I...I hope we get to talk later..." she looks up then snaps her head down again, frowning, "Good day..."

She flees out the door, slamming it behind her, and I hear her curses as she realises this. Soon she is running away from the room, and her hurried steps fade out rapidly, leaving me to my thoughts.

Getting away from me, like everyone else

I turn back to the window and stare once more at the sky, my eyes travelling the same path as before...the moons and then...beyond.

" I see..."

My words seem to echo, slamming back at me with a force I did not expect, and I wince. I should be used to this...it happens often, when one is alone. I am often alone.

" I see emptiness. Endlessness."

I wonder if I answered my question.

~~~~~~~~~~

The day is clear, the sun shines brightly in the sky and there is barely a cloud in the sky. Blue skies...what makes the sky such a cheerful blue today? Beyond it is darkness, an empty darkness, a darkness with no air to breathe.

I don't know why, I don't think I ever knew why, but my life feels so small, so useless, such an insignificant part of everything. 'Everything' doesn't make sense. Everything looses reason, nothing is ever the same, the world is turning and it just won't stop, the universe keeps exploding and expanding and destroying, and amidst the destruction that is left, I stand...

I'm standing still, but everything else, it just keeps moving. I can't understand it, I can't feel it, so how do I know I'm standing? _Do _I know? Could I already be falling?

The sun is falling, falling and it's going to crash onto the earth. It's going to disappear and then it's going to be dark...darkness is everywhere, and it suffocates me. The sun is falling so slowly, it's like it's dragging me with it, holding me in its burning rays and dragging me down...

Then I'm not at the window but running down the halls, those dark halls made of cold stone that pierce my bare feet with each icy step are closing in on me, and I need to be outside. There's no one around, I think there should be someone, yet it makes perfect sense that I am alone. I am always alone.

There is a burst of light as I step outside, the blinding intensity of it dazzling me, but I keep running, I have to run. I have to understand...

The sun is almost gone, the tip of it is already touching the top of a jagged mountain, urging me on, making me run faster. I don't know where I am...the sun is almost gone behind the mountain and my feet are stinging, but I run.

Suddenly there are hands on my arms, holding me still, and the last rays of the sun are reaching out to me and I try to go...but the hands on my arms are strong. I struggle to break free but...

Break free...

I've never been able to break free. 

There is a desperation as the golden sun disappears, the hues of orange and crimson in the sky the only clues that it is still there, somewhere far away. The hands on my arms loosen, and I am now unrestrained, but the sun is gone...it is too far gone for me to reach it...it's always too far gone for me to reach it...

Yet that's never stopped me, and I'm running again, only this time I hear the slight clink of metal as I am chased. I try to outrun them, outrun my fears, but I feel so heavy...

I try to take steps forward...but I always end up sleepwalking back. My dreams have always been my enemy. I hate the people who claim dreams to be your conscience talking to you, your inner self. It always brings more thoughts that I so constantly try to avoid.

Then I feel a sharp pain in the back of my legs, and I'm falling. As I hit the ground I could almost imagine falling on shattered glass, because millions of tiny explosions of pain blossom on my bare skin as it touches the path, a path filled with small, sharp pebbles. I am heavy, the sun is still reaching for me from under the dirty ground. I lay still but rough hands pull me up to a sitting position. I stare dispassionately at a guard as he catches his breath, laying my hands on my lap. He looks at me with a mixture of curiosity and detachment, yet somewhere deep inside his eyes there is a small comprehension.

"Why did you run away?"

I stared at him, unable to understand _why _he didn't know...then again, that's why I ran. Because...

"Because I don't understand."

He stares at me as though I were insane...but I don't know that either. Was does it mean to be sane? How does it feel, how can you tell? I've hear others call simple people insane, yet those are the only people whom I think make sense in a small way. 

"I needed to..." then I smile an empty smile, but a smile nonetheless, because then it's all so pointless and so foolish that it seems to become like everything else, unreasonable, "...I needed to catch the sun."

Instantly his attitude changes, and I feel caged as his features change, becoming hard and unfeeling. I understand this side of him better even as it frightens me...

"People often use the light as a metaphor for the path, a way out of the darkness, something to hold on to when you are unsure. What gives us our light?" I murmur, but my words seem to be lost in the wind, just senseless blabber of someone who is lost. Am I being captured? For trying to break free?

"Step back."

I freeze. There is a distant thought...something...I've heard before...

A swirling thought...

A voice...

It feels like added feelings, an unmerciful attack against my senses and I...am flooded with so much I can't make sense of it. The detachment I woke up with leaves me completely to the mercy of life and time. I then shiver as a light moan escapes my lips. Your arms are around me then, and this time I feel them, so I stay still as I marvel at the sensations they create. 

"You may leave."

That is not an invitation, it's an order. I begin to tremble, because now I feel what I did not feel when I woke up, and once again I'm confused and lost and I don't know what I can hold on to without it crumbling in my hold. Your arms are around me, and they tighten as I begin to tremble harder, but they are cold. They are like everything else, cold and empty in their embrace...in their grasp.

You don't say anything to me, you don't offer comfort and you don't shun me. We walk back, I don't know when or how I ever got up off the ground, but my legs are moving under me and you walk beside me. Your arms are not on me now, they lay at your sides. As I walk, I can almost imagine that thin thread I walk, a frail and delicate connection to the cruel reality you live in. I don't even know why I hang on anymore, but I'm afraid to let go, because the darkness I would fall into seems so much more terrifying. 

I look up and see a door, the door to the cage I have been given here. You open it and step inside, and I follow like a dog follows its master. You turn to me, capturing my gaze with your own, and I have never been more helpless. I would look away, I would try to escape you, but you own me completely. Even now.

I expect something to happen, maybe you will release your anger or maybe you will understand. Maybe you will give me hope or maybe you will crush what is left of me. 

You'll give me something to hold on to, a truth that will make my uncertainties disappear and will either give me life back or take it completely. You'll do something to take me from the limbo I've been trapped in ever since then. You'll help me be able to tell dreams from reality, to stop doubting what is and what isn't. You'll _do _something. I can trust you to do that, can't I?

I can trust you to help me, can't I? Even if you'll only turn me away, you will stop some of it won't you?

But then...

If you would do that...

If you would bring an end to pointless questions that mean the world to me...

If you would do that then...

I can only watch helplessly as you walk out of the room, taking with your silence all that could have ended it. I fall to the floor and stare at my fists resting on the ground through blurred vision. I am back on Gaea. I have seen you again. You are here for real, this is no vision...as far as I can tell. What if this is just...

In the night that has descended like it has so many times before and will do so for many times to come, there is no one that will listen to the strangled scream from somewhere inside the castle of Van Fanel, King of Fanelia.

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There it is. So then, good? bad? Went down from last time? O.K.? Need to work on something? Please review and tell me what you think.


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